Passenger

This week I had a shoe thrown at my head. I think that I have this fantasy in my mind after each week or month that somehow my job is going to just magically get easier. I tell myself in my mind things like after this vacation, or after I get to see my best friends next weekend, or after our next 14er climb, I will just walk into the office and people won’t get raped anymore, and people won’t die anymore, and people won’t be suicidal, parents will stop getting divorces and kids will stop blaming themselves, and bullies will stop, and alcoholics will stop neglecting and beating their families, and controlling parents will start listening to their teenagers crying out for love, social media won’t cause kids to kill themselves, and that the people that I’ve come to love, inside my tiny little office in the short hour I spend with them each week, won’t get swallowed up by the darkness of the world the moment they walk out my doors.

What a dream.

The reality is no matter how I spend my after work hours, my work IS darkness, and nothing will ever change that, and truth be told, I do not think I want it to. I have experienced darkness, trauma, hurt, pain and shame, the deterioration of my identify, and I have found my way out… and selfishly, each client, each hour, each relationship I build.. it helps me to help them.

It’s a crazy thing when you realize that your purpose in life, one of your life tasks, is to sit inside that darkness. I wish endlessly that that darkness of the world would change or that what happened to me doesn’t repeat itself, but I don’t wish to be doing anything different than what I do now… because over the years I’ve learned that I do literally nothing better than sit there in the shadow of pain, and pull people back out.

There have been 3 or so distinct moments in my career here in Colorado as a therapist, that have shook me to my core and I was uncertain if I was going to be able to keep my shit together in session…and 2 of them happened this nutty month of October.

I don’t dismiss what experts say about difficult mental health months and how the holidays and winter times cause increased anxiety and deep depression, this is true, but Octobers for me and my clients have been notoriously horrific. Yes, there was the whole shoe thrown at my face thing, but more than that, this month has brought tragic deaths, repressed childhood memories, a handful of new sexual abuse cases, court verdicts, hospitalizations both physical and mental, client outbursts and complete breakdowns, and a cancer diagnosis, just to name a few. But no matter how much I hope, I know that just because this month ends, doesn’t mean the darkness leaves with it.

What I’m thankful for is that I’ve planned our 2nd annual Client Art Show for this upcoming Thursday, October 25th, and this is the light at the end of this tunnel month of darkness. My clients, most of them survivors and victims of trauma, will be showcasing the art they have created with me throughout their healing journeys- art that represents their pain and struggles, their rebuilding, and their growth. And I hope by sharing these 2 stories with you, it may encourage you to understand the importance of this art show and why my clients’ voices are some of the most important things in the world, not only to me and their families but to strangers. These voices will be heard to teach them, to teach us, that hope is possible, and that in the darkness we are NEVER alone. For their voices represent the millions whose voices have been and will be silenced.

A client that I truly care for and cherish my time together with, came in for a routine session this week. About 70% of this cherished time is spent working on real life issues, and the other 30%, laughing and sharing in the beautiful imperfections of life. Fully anticipating our typical purposeful banter, I was in complete and utter shock when she began sharing a deeply personal repression of rape and abuse from her younger years- memories that she had dissociated from and had just two days earlier been triggered by a conversation with a friend. I won’t go into detail, not just in order to maintain confidentiality because I know in my heart that one day this woman will be sharing her survival story for others to heal, but mostly in order to spare you all from what it feels like to hear such pain. I did my best to contain this darkness for her as she continued to explain, and for most of the session I was able to hold the space for her. I encouraged her to use an art therapy directive to externalize this realization and dissociative feeling of dread and despair, and as she completed her trauma narrative we began writing a statement to put a voice to her story and for display in the art show. As I typed the words she formulated, I began to break down. I’m unsure if she saw this happen as she was sitting deeply in her own emotions and being led by the words somehow flowing from her. I was overwhelmed by the strange honor and humbled feeling I had as I acknowledged that she had chosen ME to share this with, that I was the one there to CONTAIN her pain, that I could somehow help soothe this tremendous shame the world had bestowed upon her. I couldn’t fully comprehend it all. And in that moment, not only was I so very thankful for her, but I was there in it with her and I felt it all. I was thankful and in awe that I was given this purpose in life- to transform the darkness.

I’ve been working with a young boy for almost 6 months now after the tragic death of his baby brother. When his father first came and sat in my office and told me the worst story I’d ever heard in my life, I remember reaching out to my sister for advice with a desperate fear that I would not be able to help this family. The toddler was killed in a tragic accident and I was shook for days following my initial meeting with them. But this boy is everything. He lights up my life when he walks into my office. One of the smartest kids I’ve ever met, we have conversations as if I’m talking to fellow 30 year old. I’ve bonded with him so immensely that when I think back to the first day when I felt helpless, I’m grateful that I didn’t give up. He has changed my life and his pain is now mine and so similar to how I feel about my dad, that his healing is OURS. He also created a trauma box for the art show and for him, the pain he externalized was drowning in guilt. The guilt he felt because he was not there to save his brother that day.

Again, as we sat and he talked through his artist statement and I typed away, I sat so fully with him in the darkness that it overwhelmed me. He verbalized exactly what happened that tragic day and his words cut through me like a knife, hearing him repeat it in his own words, in his own thoughts, how he remembered his life stopping for a moment as he learned that his brother died. He continued talking and without hesitation asked the viewers of his artwork to not be saddened. He explained that this was now his reality and he vowed to live fully because that is all that his silly, carefree, happy, little baby brother would have wanted him to do. We cried together.

This thursday, my mini and adult heroes will be sharing their inner most painful moments and the transformations they’ve taken to find light in their darkness. This entry is a tribute to them. To their bravery, to their courage and strength, to their human beauty and resilience. This entry is my soulful gratitude for allowing me to be the container of their pain, their partner and passenger in the darkness, their reminder that their struggle is their strength, and the voice that empowers them to find the light the have inside. To my clients..my survivors..my people (even the kiddo who threw the shoe at me)…MAY YOU RULE THE WORLD.

Denver Locals: PLEASE stop by and witness the amazing art gallery of these heroes at our offices on Thursday, October 25th. Click here for more details.

Others: PLEASE share, be kind, love each other, and continue to hope.

Listen to: Passenger by Noah Kahan