channeling control

I’m gonna get real.

I wanted to make a casserole so I went to the store today to get some mushroom soup for it, and there was none. Not ONE can of mushroom soup. Nothing.

That’s insane right? I mean, I understand we are in quarantine protocol but why are people hoarding mushroom soup… Everyone is on lockdown so it’s time to make casseroles? For the record, every time a recipe calls for mushroom soup I kinda wanna vomit in my mouth thinking about it, cause it’s pretty disgusting and I hate that it’s a casserole necessity.

So. If things are that crazy right now that mushroom soup is backordered, I figured I can get real. What do I have to lose at this point? Not mushroom soup, that’s for sure. Shit is gross.

My career as a therapist is in jeopardy. I cannot go into detail on the nature of this case, but long story short I have been working with a family for a very long time and the relationship between the biological parents of the children, who are now divorced, is horribly tumultuous to say the least. Because I am the therapist that I am, and because I am an advocate, to a fault some might say or at least this situation has challenged me on that, I have advocated in the court system and legal system for this child and for her voice to be heard. Not many therapists would do this, and many would have dropped the case a long time ago when things got rocky. Unfortunately, one of the parents has suffered because of my advocacy, and their integrity, their ability to provide safety, and their sanity has been called into question. In retaliation, this parent has formally attacked me and has recently reported me to my licensing board.

Not only has this problem created a multitude of work for me to go through documents upon documents, and notes upon notes, and pay a lawyer to submit a defense on my behalf to my board, but it has shaken me to my core. I AM a therapist. I AM an advocate. And the very thought of being threatened of my ability and opportunity to perform my job now and in the potential future makes my stomach sink to my toes. This one voice out of the many, while it is only one, and while I know that their voice is untrue and ill-mannered, has spun me into a world of self doubt and stress over NOTHING I can control.

The thing is, I ride on the edge of boundaries. I sit in the space between unconditional positive regard and a real and genuine love for my clients. This particular parent even wrote in their complaint, “I know Sammy loves my children, but…”

I know this about me.

It’s who I am- I’m unconventional, I walk with a limp. I accept that. But when that very reason I connect so deeply with my clients is what I’m being attacked for, it rocks your world. It makes you resent yourself, and your passion, and your empathy, and your bravery to walk that line. It makes me question if I care too much, and if I go out on the limb too far to help… lighting myself on fire to keep others warm. I fricken do that. All the time. But it’s my purpose, and never until this day have I doubted that and it’s importance.

I know the world is in social isolation right now, but for the last 3 months I’ve been in emotional isolation.

Not because of this case, although it has only made it worse, but because for the last almost year of my life I have been struggling in personal aspects, and have more recently made some choices in my life that have affected many people around me, and have disappointed many people because they don’t understand or agree, and it has ultimately led me to emotionally isolate because absorbing everyone’s sadness has been unbearable for me. I feel other people’s feelings. And what I’ve learned in this period of emotional isolation is how much feeling other people’s feelings has led me to shut off my own for a very long time. And now after some time, some deep processing, making choices for myself, I have begun to FEEL myself again. I understand more about why I used to self sabotage, self harm, and self isolate through my eating disorder, I felt too much otherwise. I know why part of me behaves by lighting myself on fire for others, because I don’t feel worthy of my own happiness, I feel like I have to sacrifice, make up for my mistakes, self punish, overcompensate. This moment in time has opened my eyes to my own patterns, to challenge them and to find my own emotional freedom.

Why does all this rambling matter or connect? Maybe it doesn’t for you, but hang in there, there’s a lesson in this. And it comes at the most trying time of my generation. “When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.”- Viktor Frankl

I cannot change that parent’s emotional turmoil and poor decision making that led her to the place she is in and the behavior she displayed which inevitably led her child into my care. I can only choose to respond. And without further thought or self doubt or the fear of the potential outcome creeping in, I will continue choosing to advocate. I will continue choosing the hard way, because for me it is the only way.

I WILL NOT change my belief that is it my purpose as an advocate and a therapist to speak up and to not back down. The only thing I need to change is the way I’ve viewed myself the last few weeks because of this, and the way I’ve put myself down because of doubt. F that. I have been the best god damn cheerleader I can be for this little girl, I will never apologize for that. And if that’s how I lose my license, at least I fucking went down FIGHTING and LOVING.

I cannot change the way others have taken my emotional isolation and the choices I’ve made this year for me. I cannot prove to anyone that I am healthy, and strong, and resilient. I can actively work towards those goals for myself but it is ultimately their choice to respond and perceive things they way they want to and they will have an opinion of their own. But I can choose to keep going. To stay the course. To make my choices that make sure my fountain is fueled and it continues pouring out water, and to be healthy and strong and resilient for me.

WE cannot change this global epidemic. Mostly speaking, we do not have the power to change the limitations that have been placed on our social world. This event, pandemic, crisis, is out of our control. But we can choose how we respond. We can choose to focus on ourselves, our growth, our mindsets, our positivity, our energy that I believe radiates on global levels. We’ve all got time on our hands that we didn’t have or didn’t think we had before…regardless, USE IT. Mold your mind. Plants some seeds. Learn. Organize. Challenge. Struggle. Heal.

To be fair, I didn’t come to this epic Viktor Frankl optimism, err realism, on my own. Truth. I had a few terrible days over the last couple weeks, and a few crappy breakdowns. The stress of my business, worry about my family, my personal life, my emotional isolation, my choices, all came to a head, and I was really shitty to a person that cares about me a lot. And after some externalizing, some crying, and breaking, and self pitying, they reminded me what mattered. I was reminded of gratitude. I was reminded that everyone is in an active shit storm. I was reminded that all I could do was live one day at a time and control what I could control, and focus on the one thing I can always provide and receive… LOVE.

And then I watched Frozen II and Olaf reminded me of it too, that Love is the Permanent.

Even with my license debacle, I know I loved, hard. And even with my struggles, I’m learning to really love myself and accept my decisions despite external dissatisfaction and disappointment. And even in this COVID-Apocalypse, WE can love the world and each other enough to take care of our part it in…and grow. If we grow, so does the world. We can’t change the circumstances but we can change ourselves. And then guess what? Circumstances will be forced to change.

So go… Grow. That’s ONE thing in our control. Channel your energy wisely.

Listen to: : Live like a Warrior by Matisyahu.