I haven’t blogged in awhile because I’ve been overwhelmed. Which isn’t anything new, but everytime I thought about blogging I thought about the struggles I’m having, and I was feeling like a broken record in my posts. So I’ve been avoiding it to prevent repetition. It took me some time to remember that blogging has always been for myself to regurgitate, in order to refocus, and instead of trying to write for everyone else, I need to be okay with writing for me…

My client hours are so booked up lately that it’s March 6th and I don’t have an hour open to schedule until April 5th. That’s craziness. The world of self-healing is booming right now, which is super positive, but the amount of shit that people are dealing with has never felt as overwhelming for me as it has in the past few months. So. In an effort to appeal to the masses, while unleashing my overwhelm-ness, I’m going to write an advocacy piece for therapy. A therapy PSA if you will… for those in therapy to understand more about the behind the scenes, those who are thinking about starting therapy, those who aren’t in therapy but should be -because everyone should be-, and for those who love a therapist.

Who ever you are. Buckle up, let’s get wild (said no one ever about therapy :) ).

There’s a meme out there that a psychotherapist wrote, “Being a therapist is weird. Like what’s on the agenda today? A breakup? Suicidal ideation? A detailed recap of your mother’s inedible lasagna?” @psychotherapymemes. Gosh this is so true, we NEVER know what we are going to get, except in my office it is more like… A narcissistic partner who treats you like shit? The horrible plunge of loneliness after the traumatic death of a spouse? Running hangings and dead child calls? Walking through multiple rape memories? When your best friend got blown up by an IED? …with side bars of some normality, like daily doses of work stress, bullies, communication breakdowns, and body dysmorphia. This is my work day. No joke. Trauma, after trauma, after trauma. Even the normality of every-people problems feels traumatic to us, therapists. We are literally sitting in your shit with you, and every hour is an adventure.

Now. This is important to understand for many reasons. I’ll start with the perspective of a new client, searching for a therapist… My husband always talks about the importance of finding the right therapist when we go and meet with Peer Support teams in the fire service. He reminds them that it might take time and that it might not be the right fit at first. He is 100% correct. We therapists, are people, and we have our own individual way of interacting, engaging, and supporting you. I can’t tell you how many of my clients have started with me after leaving another therapist. That is okay, and that is normal. BUT. My advice and PSA to you, new therapy-ers, take time to research and understand the therapist you are going to give a try. Read their websites, find their specialities, understand their approach to working with you because the information is out there, and if you can’t find it, ask them. Here’s why… if you are planning to just talk at your therapist about your mom’s lasagna and they are solution-focused and trauma specialized, you are going to get a lot of redirections and body-solving techniques or some “I don’t give a fuck blank stares” because they are used to finding direction and guiding their clients to healing and purpose post-struggle. Or. If you are looking for a bond, a deep meaningful relationship with a therapist who can give constructive feedback and provide a safe environment, but choose a therapist who is behavioral or does mostly listening and encourages self processing, you are going to feel very alone in that room. Do your research, ask questions, not every therapist spills their shit upfront like I do, it will save both you and your prospective therapist time and a lot of wasted energy.

Our weird lives are also important to understand if you are a seasoned, newly seasoned, or just started therapy-er. Therapists care about you as a client. We care about your well-being, (If you’re one of my clients, I can safely say I actually have real love for you), AND you are not the only person on our schedule. It’s easy for us as humans, to unintentionally over estimate our existence. When you leave your hair dresser, you don’t think about the 10 other clients they do hair for that day. When you say goodbye to your kid in the morning, you forget that they will have hundreds of interactions with other children and adults that don’t include you, for the remainder of their day, until you pick them up again. That isn’t to negate your importance in others’ lives, and specifically in the lives of your therapist, but it is meant to help you understand that our time is energy, and we are juggling the energy and scheduling of multiples of humans with immense pain and struggle in their lives, while maintaining our own lives, and most likely running our own business that requires us to ya know, run a business. So if you get upset because we don’t have Tuesday at 5:30 PM open because at that specific time, YOU won’t have to miss work, or your yoga time, and it’s the only night you have free that week, and it’s Sunday night already and you’re just asking to schedule this… you can politely go pound sand and find another therapist who can, with all due respect :).

My clients mean the WORLD to me. Truly, the world. I love the hours I spend with them and their existence is of the upmost importance to me. AND, I have limited hours in the day to be at work. Understanding that your therapists are managing their own schedule, billing, invoices, insurance coverages and needs, payments, rent, office needs, clinical notes and filings, case management, completely outside of the direct clients hours we provide you all and only get paid for, will allow you to be flexible, positively assertive, and proactive when trying to schedule and plan your relationship with your therapist. Most of us have families, and other means of income outside clinical hours with clients, as well. We are masters of juggling, and our ability to bounce from one trauma to the next can wear us down. This is our job, we don’t need you to worry or not hold us accountable for what you are paying us for. We just need you to be inquisitive about your therapists’ availability, understanding about our capacity if you are asking for more than is a part of your session, and respectful of the time we can provide you.

If you have expectations about your time, scheduling, communicating outside sessions, goal setting, things you want to accomplish and see progress in, communicate them to your therapist, and allow there to be a conversation about whether they are realistic, and whether they can be met. Then you have the opportunity to respond and make a decision with the information you’ve been given. Every therapist comes with a caveat… some are quiet and let you do the work, some have tons of openings and work all PM hours but are $200 a session, some kick you out right at 10 til the hour no matter where you are in your processing because your clinical hour is up, some only do virtual… mine caveat is…err, are… my life is cray and so is my schedule, I’m chronically 5 min late to every appointment because I don’t kick people out, I book up months in advance, I will probably cry with you once, or twice, and I like to hug you when you leave.

We are people. This is a business. But the business is healing people’s emotions tied to their traumas and pain and stress, and thus our jobs are emotional. Which makes everything weird, and tricky, and not straight forward. This doesn’t mean therapy and therapists aren’t awesome. We know a ton of shit about the mind and how it works, and ways to face fears, and tackle pain, and communicate to others in healthy and effective words. Therapy is invaluable. I’m gonna tell you a secret about why it works… You talk outloud. That’s it. That’s the magic. You talk outloud, some of the thoughts you may have said in your mind a million times before, but this time you say it outloud to another human person that cannot repeat anything you’ve said to anyone, ever. So that means you get to say whatever the fuck you want, and someone else listens, HEARS you, validates you, without personal judgment, and even gets to give you some support around what to do about those thoughts. It’s magic because for the first time you hear yourself say them, and you own the words you say in that moment because they are now outloud floating in space, and then you find control and mastery over them because they have left your crazy mind and repetitive replaying. Sometimes you even come to your own conclusion for the simple fact that you have let words come out of you and heard them, and there are answers in them you never heard before because you’ve never said them so specifically. This is called externalization. And why you need a therapist in this simple process is because we hold that uncharted space for you, clinically, emotionally, supportively, to help you see yourself. We are trained in walking you through it. And trust me, I’m not talking about clients unveiling deep dark secrets and revelations here, I’m talking about simple daily stressors of life that keep us stuck because we are in cycles in our minds without the safe externalization of therapy that provides unbiased, thoughtful feedback.
Go to therapy. For all the non-therapy-ers. That’s all I got for you. Therapy is for everyone. Mom’s lasagna people and all. If you research, find a good therapist, invest in it, engage in it, your life will expand.

Invest in it.. that’s another PSA announcement. I understand that therapy isn’t cheap. And most great therapists, don’t take insurance because, truth: they pay us shit, and it’s a fucking PAIN IN THE ASS to bill and get paid timely and without a hitch. Guess what else isn’t cheap, your gym membership, your Starbucks every week, your iPhone, alcohol, going out, gas, not packing your lunch…. you get the point. Everything is a sacrifice. I don’t expect everyone to make unnecessary sacrifices to go to therapy, but investing in your mental wellbeing, which is controlled by the MOST IMPORTANT ORGAN/MUSCLE IN YOUR BODY, needs to be prioritized at times. There are many ways to afford therapy out there and therapy is for ALL socio-economic levels- use insurance, find a community mental health center, find therapists that take various methods of payment such as victims compensation, state-funded grants and supporter groups, ask about payment plans and sliding scales, ask to pay less for more sessions booked at a time, or try the good old fashioned way of self-budgeting. Costs for sessions vary all across the board but roughly average to about $120 a session (in Colorado). Understand that, before taking the dive and then make a financial plan for yourself. Therapists aren’t charging this to be mean or greedy. Therapists are charging this to keep their business running (remember all the unpaid hours and expenses I mentioned before?). Most have started in community mental health, and worked their way up to owning their own private practice to gain flexibility and lessen energy expenditure. Also, we aren’t rich. TRUST ME. 80% of you make more money than me, guaranteed. If you have concerns about pricing with your therapist, ask.

In Harry Potter, Dumbledore explains that phoenixes can carry immensely heavy loads and that their tears have healing powers. We are phoenixes. Not every therapist is a good one, just as in any profession, you will get the good with the bad. But to do our job, it requires us to have a servant’s heart and a tough mind. Our ability to help you heal comes from a place in us that was once broken. So if you love one of us, love with an open mind and an understanding heart. We were broken, are broken, will be broken, and our job reminds us of it everyday. Speaking for myself, that is why I love my clients because they unknowingly see the broken pieces of me and instead of running from them, they let my pieces share their space, and in carrying their loads my pieces are strengthened. And that is why I love my family, because they are my biggest cheerleaders of my biggest brokenness. They, unknowingly, are many topics of discussion in my sessions- in sharing failures and successes- and they allow me do this work, because it is a big piece of me they have to share so I can carry all the loads and heal all the wounds.

Thank you to the ones that love us. Thank you to the ones who invest in us and this work. Thank you to the ones in contemplation of coming to see us, for keeping this business alive and competitive…

“Doctors study medicine. Teacher study education. HEALERS STUDY DARKNESS.”

…And thank you to my fellow healers…this shit is hard. Keep fighting the fight. Plant the seed. Make the cracks for the light to get in. Recently, a social worker left our shared-case phone call with these words of encouragement for me, that I’ll leave with you now- “May the force be with you” :)

Hey V, thanks for making me blog. You’re a great friend, fellow encourager, and supporter to me and this business. This ones for you.

Listen to More Heart, Less Attack, by NEEDTOBREATHE

GOOD rain.