People suck. AND I love them.

We tend to have competing thoughts alot as humans, and in our minds we force a resolution. We typically say, “people suck BUT I love them”. Creating a dynamic of choosing. We must choose to either feel that people suck or we can choose to love them, instead of allowing both of those thoughts to exist. The difference is only using the word AND instead of BUT. It makes room for all the feelings and thoughts.

Since I got divorced, moved forward, and made new choices in my life, I’ve had a ton of competing thoughts, particularly about people sucking.

Something my therapist taught me during the worst of it, was that I get to make my own decisions and choices in my life, and various people will react in various ways... but their feelings and reactions about MY choices about MY life are theirs to own. My attachment to disappointing them was something I’ve learned to let go of. I HATE disappointing others. Yet in striving for acceptance of myself and my needs, people may feel disappointed. And I don’t own that.

It’s funny how many people I had to comfort when I told them the news. And in fact it’s funny how I even had to deal with friends utilizing my divorce as an opportunity to tell me how sad and upset THEY were about it or about the direction our friendship had gone, which in reality the friendship had been broken far earlier than the divorce was even a question in my mind.

I am forever grateful for the life I lived, the marriage I had, and the gifts it gave me. It taught me so much about my own weaknesses and areas I needed to work on- communication, asking for help, boundaries and the unhealthy amount I gave myself to others. It ended in sadness AND honor. So, I understand that my divorce was hard and difficult for a multitude of people. AND I understand that it was hard on me, yet not many people responded with compassion for me.... only regret, defensiveness, concern, judgment. Not many wrapped their arms around me, some made me take care of their feelings and some abandoned me. They judged without asking questions and made conclusions despite what I said, based on their own perceptions of life.

We live in bubbles. Experience gives us opportunities for our bubbles to expand.... for our awareness to grow, for our perceptions to mature and openness to develop. I sit in a lot of people’s’ bubbles, it’s my job. Dark bubbles, with pain, grief, hurt, fear, loss, and because of the stories I hear and the pain I sit with, I understand life in various bubbles. So my ideas and thoughts and ways of moving through life are influenced by awareness and the variety of bubbles I now understand. Thus, it makes sense to me that many of my relationships at the time didn’t understand my choices or decisions because of the constraints of their own bubbles or lack of bubbles. It’s not exactly their fault. They could only understand within the paradigm of their experiences. Yet, that logic doesn’t take away the fact that I was alone.

What hurt me the most was that my support to others doesn’t come with stipulations. I give, hard, and I love, and what I never do is judge, and that wasn’t reciprocated. Just like my dad, I’ve learned to love first then I teach, and only when teaching is what is asked of me.... otherwise I simply listen and empower. So there I was, going through one of the hardest times in my life and not receiving unconditional support from the people I’ve supported and loved without judgment, without conditions. They didn’t want our marriage to end which I understand, but in their path of acceptance what they failed to do was help me, and so... I felt alone.

I’m not writing this in spite. I WAS angry. I hurt. I’m writing this now as a reflection so that I can move on. So that I can find the lesson, so that I can accept my new identity and remind myself I am enough. So that I can be human and share that just like everyone else, I get angry and hurt and shut people out too. To not feel bad that my energy has shifted from giving a little to so many, to giving a lot to a little.

My therapist has also helped me through my newest transition into my new family. As I’ve fallen in love with kids who aren’t mine, and with a partner whose wife died from alcoholism, it’s been another journey for me to understand more about myself, my needs, and my boundaries. It’s taught me that my home team are the most important people in my life. And that seeing 20 clients a week instead of 30 doesn’t mean I’m not a good therapist, it means I can cultivate stronger relationships with a smaller number and I can be more effective when I’m more balanced. And that I don’t need to be someone for everyone but I can be the best one for a few. I’m the most assertive and bravest I’ve ever been.

Not only was it difficult to manage the divorce, but now it’s been difficult to manage everyone’s reactions to my relationship. For the most part, people have been supportive, but for many it’s a silent support, it’s a, ‘I don’t really want to talk about it’ support, and ‘I don’t really trust your choices’ kind of support. Which quite frankly isn’t really support at all. They don’t get to hear the progress I’ve made or the unlimited love I’m experiencing, or the mental fortitude Dave has taught me, because they don’t ask or care to understand. So the walls they’ve built block their perspective...

Back to the bubbles. A lot of my friends and family were with me during my darkest moments. Ten years ago I was impulsive, unhealthy, unstable, and suffering from a pretty intricate and layered eating disorder. I’ve overcome, I’ve healed, and right now I’m managing and running my own business, solo, I’m a trauma therapist, I help helpers and first responders all over the state, I teach and train and advocate in those communities, I’ve traveled to Africa multiple times to serve, I’ve climbed tons of mountains, ran marathons, and now I’m learning to be a mom and the partner of a firefighter. I’ve earned my badge. I’ve earned respect, I’ve earned trust. Yet, I continuously don’t give it to myself because I’m still treated by many as the 20 year old. They still live in that bubble. So when I ask them to trust my decisions, to understand MY choices are the best for me, they revert back to that bubble I used to live in. And the saddest part is this inability to see my other bubbles prevents them from seeing the happiness I’ve cultivated and the brave and fearless life I’m living... and quite frankly I’m sick of believing them.

To my clients... I tell you over and over again to Iove yourself, to put energy into positive relationships and a positive mindset. To honor your progress, your strength, to be grateful for the work you are doing. This is my reminder to be a good role model and do the same for myself. If you put the work in, I will give you everything I can and I will put forth my soul to lift you up and to emulate the light you are bringing to our time together. We pour into each other, that is a promise I will always fulfill.

To my friends/family, past and present... this is my truth. This is where I’m at. I’ve felt alone, I’ve been hurt, and I am continuing to move forward. This train has left the station, and it’s full steam ahead, you can either jump on board or not, but I’m not looking back. Adventure is ahead for me and I’ll take you with if you’re willing to go, but I will no longer ask you to join me.

And to the clients, family and friends who are on my team… the new ones and the old ones, who have never left my side, you are my world. You know who you are. Thank you for everything. Let’s live... and do epic shit along the way. Let’s take the bubbles we live in and expand them, grow, adapt, take the dark moments and experiences and learn from the pain. Turn that “shit into sugar” as my valiant firefighter would say :)

No regrets, only lessons.

listen to Banks by NEEDTOBREATHE…it’s about what it means to me to be true teammates (thanks Kel for the song).

GOOD rain.