vacation.
/People don't understand things sometimes. That's normal. But when people don't understand and they feel either threatened or insecure because of it, they tend to judge. Judgment is like a defense mechanism. It's a lot easier to judge something, then to go introspective and try to understand where you are being triggered internally.
I HATE judgment. Maybe because it’s my job not to judge and to live intimately in many people's weird ass bubbles, but also...what does judgment give you except for negative thoughts/emotions and self deprecation?
We all judge. Parenting styles, the way people drive, others houses or cars, fitness standards, the list goes on. No one is exempt from this terrible part of human nature. BUT, we can learn that we do it, understand our own triggers that enlighten us to self defined shortcomings, and understand that those triggers are telling us we may want to do better or want to be better. Then we can practice RESPONDING, instead of reacting with judgment, and maybe even implement things in our life to change internally. And if at times, the judgments we make or verbalize aren't really about our own areas of adjustment, then we can learn to shut the hell up and let people live their lives. With all due respect.
I’m guilty.
Before I became an overnight mom, I judged the parent life. Not always in a negative way, I had preconceived notions of what I thought it was like or how to raise a child. Most of my thoughts about how to raise kids, pre-children, has influenced how we raise our kids now, but I think where I failed in understanding is the capacity, or lack there of capacity, moms and dads have for things outside of their family, and in conflict with that, how necessary it is to make time for themselves as it’s detrimentally imperative to their survival… or at least for us it is. Our individuality as Sammy and as Dave, and as a couple, is IMPERATIVE to our happiness. And thus we have parented so hard in the last couple years to teach our kids self-sufficiency and resilience so that we CAN have that time. How we live this ideal is by explaining to them that we all need refueling time to recharge our batteries in order to show up best FOR EACHOTHER and our mini team.
So. Now, I practice not judging other moms or families and where they are in their processes, and instead reflect in gratitude for the partner I have and the hard work we’ve done to facilitate growth in our family. What works for us, works for us. And that's it. I turn my judgment into gratitude that we've gotten our kids to function on technology/screens for only 30 minutes a day without fighting us or asking for more, for how ridiculously hard we work in order to schedule needed time off in the mountains and nature to refuel every couple months, for getting our house in order so that we can prioritize trail runs alone and date nights to reconnect, for our repetitive communication with them on how to be good people and show up for each other and their community so that we can go on adventures and thrive in chaos like: flat tires in the middle of nowhere, missed/delayed/cancelled flights, poopy pants in public, snowed in campers, blown transmissions, frozen pipes, driving the 28 foot toy hauler down narrow ass canyon roads and insanely small hilly streets in Cali, and not to mention surviving the story of our last two years- addiction, deaths, so many deaths, trauma, healing, motherhood, the tremendousness of our work traumas, and, COVID.
Our life is pretty strange. And many people don't understand it. And over the last few years I've had to learn not to get upset that people don't understand, but to understand that they don't understand, and in times when I really need help or understanding, to explain.
Explanation is in my control and I can either chose to be resentful or irritated because they don’t understand or I can choose to explain as best I can, and accept their help and their perspective.
So in an effort to explain, I’ll start at the top…
Dave is a firefighter. That means he spends most of his shifts running various type of calls- medical calls (DOA, cardiac arrests, strokes, diabetic issues, syncope, falls, broken bones, etc.), motor vehicle accidents, fires, water rescues, hazmat calls, behavioral calls (domestic violence, abuse, overdoses, suicide, suicide attempts, violence, psychosis, etc.), all still while maintaining physical fitness standards as well as daily training (EMS, pulling hose lines, pumping, forceable entry, throwing ladders, etc.). Dave's department works on a 48 hour shit schedule. This means he leaves for work and is gone from home for 48 hours at a time. He does this 48 hour shift, then has four days off and repeats.
For example, a typical week looks like this.... Dave gets up at 5 am Monday and leaves the house for work. He returns home around 8:00 am on Wednesday morning. He is home until Sunday morning at 5 am, leaves until Tuesday at 8 am. This not only leaves him discombobulated at the variant of his life and schedule, constantly transitioning from 100% work to 100% home, but also leaves me a single parent 1/3 of the time, and requires us to follow a schedule that shifts every week... meaning the days he works each week are inconsistent.
Now. This particular schedule gives Dave flexibility to spend his four days at home, which is wonderful. But. In those four days we are typically cramming in everything we need to get done, groceries, all the house and car things, family time, appointments, kids appointments, activities, vacations, because he does not get to change his schedule at all. And because he’s gone, away, gone all together, all 48 hours at a time.
For our family, we are also juggling my business. I do my very best to get as much accomplished in the late PM hours when the children are in bed on his 48, like clean the entire house because we have 3 dogs, 2 kids and 2 chickens, the laundry, preparing for our 4 day depending on if we are doing things or honkering down at home, while working and running my company, and taking care of the kids and normal kid life stuff.
Then, there are the logistics of my schedule. The amazingness of running my own business means I get to set my own work hours. This is pretty great, AND it's also a crap shoot. My life is run by the calendar. In order to be able to sustain a relationship with Dave, I have to make sure that at least one of those 4 days we have time together, meaning I'm not working and we can have a "weekend". That also means I have to plan 6 months ahead, going into the calendar, adding Dave's work days then figuring out 3/4 days I can work each week, scheduling those hours around school, pick up, child care, time off if we want to go somewhere and THEN figuring out if the kids are not in school and I'm working, who can help us with them during the day while I see clients. So. I've become a pro at Tetrus'ing our ridiculous ass schedule to make sure everyone is taken care of, I have a relationship with Dave, and my clients are supported.
Then. There is the reality of OUR JOBS. We inhale an exhorbanant amount of trauma. Dave sees and responds to trauma- all kinds, to the point where his brain is permanently damaged by the intake of trauma and living in hyperactivity. Thus, he has to actively dump the memories, process, and take care of his mind in order to just live in homeostasis like the rest of the world. That means therapy, processing with me, lots of outlets and physical exercise, yoga, reading, intentional sleeping habits, healthy eating, and having an active and supportive social community, his tribe. That is simply survival for him. If he doesn’t do those things he becomes a statistic- firefighters are more likely to commit suicide than die on duty, they are 5 times more likely to have PTSD than the general public, and they are almost twice as likely to get divorce.
I hear and absorb trauma- all kinds. I feel and care so deeply for the lives that enter my office that my self care is CONSTANTLY a work in progress, tweaking, adding, reacting, everyday to do better or to pick myself up when I get lost down the dark hallway of pain. The one thing I need consistently and cannot NOT prioritize is exercise. I run. I run the crap out of the pain I inhale. And I have to. So that means trying to make sure I get that time in everyday in order to function.
There is also the juggling of my clients schedules, and because of the nature of the world right now and how much support people need, there just simply isn’t enough time in the day for me to schedule and maintain a healthy and strong relationship with my family and give my clients the ideal hours they need. So its a CONSTANT battle, with a lot of upfront and preparatory communication and emails.
All the other business owners out there will understand that many of my "work " hours are not clients hours. They are emailing, texting, scheduling, calendar work, billing, billing insurance, billing companies and payees, paperwork, note taking, case management, credentialing, continuing education, supply shopping, invoicing, blah blah blah blah blah. Those hours go unseen, and sometimes un-prioritized for me because my kids hate when I do paperwork at home and require family time... so I find myself doing this at midnight on the 48's when I finished everything else, or when Dave is driving us somewhere on our "weekends"- computer in my lap, in between dishing out snacks, helping Marek pee into a water bottle so we don't have to stop, helping my amazing driver navigate and attempting to still be a somewhat decent copilot, listening to stories about Dog Man books and the one time Taryn heard about this one thing this one day, one hour, one time at school.
This is our life. It's beautifully chaotic and we love each other more for the sacrifices we make to keep our ship afloat. BUT. People really don’t know about it and people don't really understand, so it becomes difficult to explain to others why we don't have a free day to plan something with them until 2 months from now, or when a grandparent is disappointed because they waited until the night before to ask to take the kid somewhere and doesn't understand why we can't work around that, or when friends just wanna meet us for a quick dinner sometime in and around Taryn's therapy, Marek's friends birthday party, their dentist appointments, my phone call with Blackhawk Fire, and Dave figuring out when to pick up the part he needs for the truck because it needs to get fixed before he goes on shift tomorrow and we leave for a couple days camping the minute he walks in the door at 8 am which is the next time he'll be home.
AND.
It becomes frustrating, and where I have to check myself, when others start to question how much "time" we do have to go on adventures. We hear alot of "you guys take so many vacations, it must be nice!", or, "you guys are always doing things!...do you still have your practice Sammy?", and, "you guys sure have a lot of nice toys...", and, “you guys run so much that’s crazy”, or “just relax! Don’t be so uptight!”… that’s my favorite one… and finally, “you discipline your kids a lot ”, or “you are strict/hard on them.”
All feeling very judgy for us. It can feel as if people think we just are out spending money and taking time off because our lives must be so easy and so we should just relax and not be so regimented.
Whether that's the intent or not, it's difficult for us to swallow those comments because it feels misunderstood.
TRUTH. We live in a very modest home with one full bathroom for four of us, a mini kitchen where only one of us at can be in a time, with one shared room that our new couch didn't fit in so we had to return a piece of it because it was too big.
We don't spend our money on things, we spend it on experiences or ways to have experiences. We bought a camper, a used truck, two paddle boards, a used side-by-side (basically an off road 4 wheeler) all during COVID and have spent the last year traveling the West utilizing those purchases up to the max.
We work our asses off, as helpers, to make a fair living in order to stay in our house and to go on adventures. I work the minimum of hours being a therapist, training fire departments in mental health resiliency and running my business, so that I can fulfill my purpose as an advocate while being able to help pay our bills, cover my business expenses, and have time to be a mom, a partner, and to stay healthy in my mind.
We’re regimented because we have to be in order to live a life where we get to “play”. We workout and run everyday because if we don’t, for the reasons I’ve laid out, we’d lose our minds. Dave got me a cup for Christmas that says, “Running. Because murder is frowned upon.”
The judgement call on our parenting style drives me crazy. We have rules and discipline to keep our children humble, kind and stable. Our children experienced one of the worst traumas a child can withstand and therefore they need to feel safe in order to develop a secure identity. That requires consistently and stability.
Yes. We have time limits on screen time and tv time, and they do chores to earn money and help take care of our home, and lying, talking back, and throwing tantrums instead of sharing their emotions warrant consequences in our house. So call us strict if you’d like, but we have in depth conversations about our feelings daily with them, cuddle non stop, have watched them show up for other kids by talking them through bad days and big problems, we let our 11 year old drive the side-by-side on trail roads and taught her how, let our 7 year old run around the land of the campsite with just a walkie talkie for hours on end, and our favorite family song is Rose Tattoo (listen here) by Dropkick Murphy’s. Not a day goes by that the kids don’t tell us how much they love us. Strict, fine. I call that something different. My word would be love.
Our sanity, and our ability to GIVE the way we do to each other, our kids, and to our patients requires us to take these adventures and live this way. Our family refuels this way. We play hard because we work hard and give everything to our roles. The one piece of advice I received from a supervisor as a brand new therapist, knowing and understanding my passion for giving and giving more than I typically have to give, was... You can't pour out from an empty fountain. If your fountain doesn't have a water source, you will eventually have no water left to give.
I used to feel bad saying no. I used to feel bad taking "days off". I used to feel bad setting boundaries with family and friends. I used to feel bad telling clients my first opening is in two weeks because I'm so busy. I used to add hours as needed or spend the days before "days off" working extra to make up for it.
Now I know, that my team is really the only thing that matters. We need time, away, together, adventuring, exploring, relaxing, belting out our favorite songs and screaming extra loud at the profanity parts out our side-by-side roaring up the mountain. And if I don't get that time with them and for us, then I'm no good as a partner, and a mom, and therefore no good as a business owner and most importantly as a therapist. And for you all.
A lot of people ask me how I manage to care so much and stay healthy.... That is how. I can't be good for you all, unless I'm good for me and my team.
So. If you don’t understand, and find that you feel this way about others in your life in whatever capacity, I’m begging you to try to listen to them, to better understand them, and if you don’t understand, to CARE. Something that we practice in our house is saying I CARE instead of I understand. Because here’s the thing, Dave will NEVER understand what it is like to be a fire spouse, single parent, single parent of two kids you didn’t give birth to and just started raising, run a business and be a trauma therapist. And I can’t expect him to…BUT HE CARES. Just the same as I will never really understand what its like to be gone 1/3 of the time from home and to manage the damage to his brain as a sacrifice for doing what the loves. But I care.
Stop judging, correcting, making comments, giving unwarranted advice or patronizing. Care about them, care about each other. And if you still can’t understand or try to understand, then look inward and figure out why you have such a hard time getting behind something that’s different than the way you live your own life.
Everyone's life is different. We all have different struggles and different ways of reacting to them or overcoming them. But in the essence of them being different, let us learn to be inquisitive and not assuming. Let us learn to be confused and not challenging. Let us learn to be thoughtful and empowering and not spiteful. Let us learn to be self-reflective and motivated and not jealous. And let us learn to be internally grateful and not judgmental. Let's ask first. Share first. Listen first. And let other's lives inspire us OR remind us that what we have is also important to protect and nurture. That is what makes the world go round, understanding. Understanding leads to acceptance, leads to self awareness, leads to growth…then, that leads you to uncovering your own path, your own adventures, and if everyone could practice this, the world could thrive. "The love of one another is the only thing real"- Trevor Hall
"Risk happy... Do Epic Shit"- Team Freyta
Listen to, Vacation by the Dirty Heads.